My drinking days are over–for good

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Then it hit me: I can never have another drink for the rest of my life. What a depressing thought.

The other day in a meeting, a newcomer shared that sentiment. Anyone who’s been in recovery for any amount of time can certainly appreciate that moment when the realization hits you like a truck: You can never have a sip of alcohol again. Ever.

The panic associated with that thought is so prevalent, it is no doubt one of the inspirations for the famous saying, “One Day At A Time.” The expression cautions the alcoholic: Don’t worry about not drinking for the rest of your life, just worry about not drinking today.

Three years into sobriety, i had a different reaction this time when the speaker said, “Shit! I can never have another drink for the rest of my life!?”

My first thought? “I should be so lucky.” Quickly followed by, “God willing.”

The idea that the sadness i’d made of my life as an alcoholic was over forever, put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. That the debilitating pain i felt in my bones and spread to others in my life has been eradicated as long as i don’t pick up, reassured me. The concept that i can never have another drink for the rest of my life filled me with hope.

i’ve stopped drinking–not for good, but for better.

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Losing My AA Life

Used 2014-04-05 Living On The Edge (AlKHall sobriety recovery)

Living On The Edge

Don’t let life AA gives you, take you away from your AA life.

This expression could just as well be, “Don’t let the life recovery gives you take you away from your recovery life.”

i’ve been guilty of this of late, cutting my meetings down to 1 a week when i used to hit 4, reading the Big Book less, not talking to my sponsor… The biggest reason is i have 6 blogs under 3 personae and i love each of them too much to stop.

How do i do it? Thanks to sobriety, i have so much more physical and creative energy. The ideas come on their own and the desire and willingness to sit down and craft them hasn’t come this easily in decades. The only thing i don’t have more of is time!

Thankfully, AA has also taught me to recognize the symptoms of my disease, and i know that i’ve been waking up a little less serene lately and finding myself more impatient in the last few days because  i haven’t been going to enough meetings. Thank my Higher Power, these symptoms are easy to cure and i’ve started resuming my regular meeting schedule this week.

As for my blogs? Yes, i know i have to let at least one of them die so i can give more attention to the rest, so i’m leaving it up to my HP and to my life to decide, because i can’t!

Be careful that the good life sobriety brings doesn’t take you away from the sobriety that delivers it!

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Celebriety: Keith Urban

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Country music musician Keith Urban and i have one thing in common: we both think Nicole Kidman is hot. Other than that, our taste in music and approaches to sobriety are pretty divergent. While his sobriety is linked very closely to his wife (after 4 months of marriage to Kidman, Urban relapsed in alcoholism and checked himself into rehab–some say at her insistence), i tend to think you have to be sober for yourself first. Here, then, are some alternate takes on sobriety, because there’s no right and wrong when it comes to recovery, as long as it works.

What it was like

[After I first got to Nashville in 1992] it was how I dealt with a lot of loneliness. I wasn’t used to rejection. I wasn’t used to loneliness. It just seemed like nothing [my band and I] did was connecting or happening and it was very frustrating.

It [alcohol] was my diversion, my way of numbing myself to the rejection and the loneliness and the confusion.

The truth is that I wasn’t even aware of where it was at in my life and how it was just going to come down and take me down like it did. I was probably in such a state of denial that I consciously wasn’t aware of it.

I was going to lose it all. It was like, “If I don’t choose this moment to do the right thing and do something that’s going to give me life, all of the things I’m scared of losing, I’m going to lose anyway.”

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Relapses

I deeply regret the hurt this has caused Nicole and the ones who love and support me. One can never let one’s guard down on recovery, and I’m afraid that I have. [From his official statement upon entering rehab after 4 months of marriage.]

I had to make a decision which road I was going to take, once and for all. I’d been at that crossroads before and always taken the wrong road.

Life’s about crossroads. You can choose life or you can go the other way…. It’s not a matter of all the intricate stuff in between. It’s just life or no life.

I knew very well right then that this is actually going to be the best, strongest road to get me back to the two things I love, which are my home life and my career, and finding the balance in those two. I need them both.

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What it’s like now

[On life post rehab:] Definitely some adjustment. I don’t remember exactly the feeling of it other than, just, it was just a bit unfamiliar at first, and then it came back really fast. Because there’s such a gratitude to be doing this again…. Music is just the great savior for me. The road for any artist can be a place where they run away and hide. Or where they can work through their issues. For me, it’s an opportunity to express things that I just don’t know how else to express.

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Sources for the quotes:

My Other Celebriety Posts

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Adventure-us

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Or Not-so-Clear History

Overheard in the an AA meeting tonight:

When I was drinking, I had a lot of adventures only I wasn’t there to enjoy them.

What cracked me up was that no one in the room batted an eye. That phrase made perfect sense to everyone there.

Now, try saying that exact same sentence to someone who is not an alcoholic. Walk up to a friend / coworker and tell them, “I had quite an adventure last night but I wasn’t there to enjoy it.” I bet their reaction will be a little more surprised.

One of the many things I love about us drunks—and one of the reasons the program works so well for me—is how we automatically ‘get’ each other because we’re all turning the same page.

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Unstuck in a Rut

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Change the Routine

So many of the advantages to being sober are the free things. The things you don’t have to work for or struggle to achieve.

For example, while reading Bye Bye Beer’s marvelous post about Robins, i realized that less and less of my life feels like a routine. Not that my day-to-day is dramatically different (excepting, of course, the absence of hangovers and the time spent in AA meetings), but the longer i’m sober, the more each day is different, which means unique.

Which means special.

Part of the bonus plan of long-run sobriety and one more thing to add to my Gratitude List.

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Sobriety is like Pizza

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Hard Choices

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It’s a trap!

EDIT: After a comment received from a lovely reader who goes by an intriguing moniker, i’ve noticed the following post is unusually depressing, especially for me. Before you read on, i’d like to go record as saying that i’ve beensober for 3+ years now, and have re-found a natural optimism i’d lost in the bottle. Every day i wake up sober is a great day and each day is better than the previous. One of the reasons i’ve been able to stay sober so easily is that my life has become immeasurably better, and my drunken past looks horrible in comparison. Stay with it, it’s worth it! Now, i return you to your regularly scheduled depressing post…

Heard in the rooms

If I drink, guaranteed I will be unhappy.

If I don’t drink, maybe I won’t be unhappy.

It’s not a lot, but it’s the only choice we’ve got.

Choose wisely, one day at a time.

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i win the best Valentine’s Day present

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All about the VD

Those who read me regularly know i’m regularly down on myself. Part of it is my self deprecating nature, the rest of it is the rigorous honesty required by Alcoholics Anonymous: what i do not broach, i cannot get past. i cannot overcome what i do not confront. Airing my dirty under-past here is also a way for me to embrace humility and fix my “egomaniac with an inferiority complex” fixation.

But today i’m not here to belittle myself. i’m here as the alcoholic father of two teenage children. i got sober three years ago, when my son was 16 and my daughter was 13. Naturally, i often wonder how much my disease affected them, and if i hurt them with my drinking and if those wounds left scars. Honestly, i worry that seeing their father try to kill himself fucked them up permanently.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Today, i realized my son spent more than a week preparing a Valentine’s Day for his friend. He set up his room with candles and roses so it would be ready when they came home from the restaurant he went to beforehand to ask them to set up the table with the supplies he’d brought. My daughter saved money for three months (and she can usually hold onto it no longer than a week) so that she could take her friend to Disneyland, paying for the tickets, the train to get there, the meals while they were there and the souvenirs to keep. She texted me a pic of their trip and their obvious happiness was the best Valentine’s Day present i’ve received in recent memory.

My children are not perfect. Like all children, they have many defaults and defects and my drinking maybe caused some and exacerbated others.

But my children know how to love with a selfless love, a deep love, a giggle out loud love and they are not afraid to show it. i’m relieved they’re more resilient than i’d given them credit for, and that they are brimming over with the kind of love that can conquer the world.

Relapse

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The definition of ‘Addiction’

And when i say ‘Relapse’, i don’t mean mine but Philip Seymour Hoffman’s. He forgot that we cannot drink from the same river twice.

TMZ reported that Philip Seymour Hoffman’s swan dive into addiction started with a slip: a sip of alcohol. He had been clean for 23 years, and then had a drink at a wrap party and the rest, unfortunately, is history.

i have met people in AA who had decades of sobriety and watched it all slip away when they forgot they couldn’t even have one drink. Their horror stories of what it was like when they “went out” are one of the things that helps keep me sober.

Before i got sober, i wallowed in my alcoholism, wore it like a puke stain, felt proud about how i could binge with regularity and still balance home and work (here’s the secret: i couldn’t).

Five years ago, i was so cavalier about my drinking i started the other website (Diarrhea of a Chronicle Drinker), elected myself Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, established D.R.I.N.K.E.R. (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited), and founded the Bar None.

In recovery, one of the first best truths i learned was when a fellow AAer said, “I can never be cavalier about my drinking again.” i knew exactly what she meant as soon as she said it. i can choose to lose my sobriety whenever i want, but i cannot go back to the place i was before. i know too much, now.

Picking up the drink again would mean drinking with a vengeance and in a few weeks or months, i would be at the same place it took me thirty years to arrive at the first time. But the destination would be the same, except my life might not be saved.

Understanding that, and knowing the other option is happiness in recovery, make it easier for me to choose ‘sobriety’ each time.

Remember not to forget.

What doesn’t kill me…

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