i Didn’t Deserve Music
The other night i was doing my Gratitude List in bed. At the top of the list, i always put “Sobriety” to remind myself that it’s thanks to my sobriety that i have other things to be grateful for.
Looking back on my day, it didn’t take me long to find that i was grateful for a chat i had with my 17-year-old. It wasn’t so much the talk about his life and friends that i appreciated—it was the way, in passing (he’s 17, everything he does is in passing!), he thanked me for listening.
When i put on my Gratitude List that i was grateful for “the desire to listen to loved ones more closely”, i asked myself why it was that i didn’t do that more in the past.
The answer came to me immediately: It was because i didn’t think i deserved my kids.
Hell, back then i didn’t think i deserved music. i remember moments in the evening when i thought i should put on some tunes before deciding, “Nah, i’m not good enough for music.” If my self-esteem was that low, you can see why i hated myself as a father.
Sobriety hasn’t convinced me that i’m a good father but, along with letting me appreciate music again, it has showed me that my kids deserve a better father and sobriety has set me on the path to that place.
Posted on March 28, 2012, in Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged Alcohol Insanity, Alcohol Recovery, alcoholism, Gratitude, Gratitude list, Insanity, Recovery, self esteem, Self Hatred, sobriety, What i learned in AA. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.