The Shelf of Damocles
Shelf Life
Years ago, when i was still drinking, on a Friday night much like tonight, my kids and i were in the living room watching TV. Suddenly and without the slightest warning, a loud crashing noise, like a body falling from a hiding place, tumbled out of the bathroom. We all looked at each other, unsure. We were the only people in the apartment.
i ran to the bathroom to find a shelf my father had hung months before over the door was now on the floor. The paint cans it had once held had opened during the fall and vomitted their oily white lacquer all over the blue walls.
i stood there in a daze for the longest time, just staring at the devastation, incapable of understanding. Here was a disaster that was in no way my fault. It was not the result of a binge and i wasn’t even the one who’d placed the shelf. A bad thing happened that i could not have foreseen or prevented no matter what i’d done.
This event crystalized a general apprehension i’d always felt vaguely lurking in the dark places of my mind. Except now i had a word for it. The Shelf of Damocles was the term i assigned to all of the bad things that were waiting to besiege me when i least suspected. i feared the shelf and the omnipresent threat it represented.
Last week, after i noticed i’d stopped waking up suicidal, i also realized the Shelf of Damocles no longer hung over my head. Yes, of course bad things will continue to happen to me for no reason– i have not yet mastered control of the universe (though i haven’t given up trying). But i’m not afraid of bad luck anymore.
Because there is no problem i can have that sobriety cannot solve .
Posted on February 8, 2013, in Alcoholism, Lessons in Recovery, Recovery and tagged alcohol, Alcohol Insanity, Alcohol Recovery, alcoholic, alcoholism, Fear, Fear and Alcoholism, Gratitude, Insanity, Instincts, mental-health, Recovery, sobriety. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.
Strange how that works out when we stop living in the problem and start living in the solution. Great reminder!
You know what, brother? It feels good not feeling like i am the problem.
Thanks for stopping by,
Al K Hall
Smirnoff was an essential item for way too long in my life.
The Serenity Prayer really helps me when I start worrying. Accepting what I cannot control will be a life long lesson though, I’m sure.
Smirnoff!? i’m impressed. i was never into hard alcohol unless it was a fruity rum drink where i couldn’t taste the booze. Nope, beer and wine were my major poisons and i’m amazed at how poisonous they were!
And yes, the Serenity Prayer! The more i remember to say it, the easier my day is.
Thanks for the reminder, ROS, and keep coming back,
AL K Hall
You’re awesome Mr… great post. Sounds like an awful mess all those cans spilling everywhere, and a bit spooky to have that shelf suddenly drop like that. But you are right…Shit does happen even despite our best efforts. It’s how we deal with the shit that is the making of us. Sobriety sure is a huge leap in the right direction…. Lots of love xxxx
Hi Mrs D!
Yes, sobriety has given me so much. i’m so grateful that a lot of my negative mental defaults seem to evaporate on their own without the booze. It’s kind of miraculous, when you think about it. And i do…
Keep coming back,
Al K Hall
“i stood there in a daze for the longest time, just staring at the devastation, incapable of understanding. Here was a disaster that was in no way my fault. It was not the result of a binge and i wasn’t even the one who’d placed the shelf. A bad thing happened that i could not have foreseen or prevented no matter what i’d done.”
See I would have been thinking ‘Holy Batshit! How am I gonna clean THAT up?’ Of course that wouldn’t have made an awesome blog post.
LOL!
Yeah, that thought came just after the numbness faded. Funny, i don’t really remember cleaning it, so i suspect i might’ve had some beer to give me courage.
Thanks for the comment!
Keep coming back, my friend,
Al K Hall
I remember that story so well, remember you writing me after it happened and calling it “the shelf of Damocles.” And you summed it up — all the feelings you had about that shelf and all the events around that time — so well in this post.
As for me, I call it “The Pit of Despair” like in the movie “The Princess Bride.” That is my shelf. It’s interesting when we realize it is no longer present — for you, the shelf is no longer poised to fall (or if it is, you can deal with it), and I no longer feel compulsed to jump in that pit. It all comes down to letting go of what we can and cannot control, huh.
You cannot imagine how amazing it is to read, over six years later, these sentences:
That is much relief and music to my ears to read that and to know it is true.
I am so glad for you. And I am glad for me, too, because now I know you are safe in sobriety’s hands and you intend to stay there. I can breathe, knowing you are cared for by your HP and guided by sobriety.
Huge stuff, my friend. Thanks for writing about this here.
xx
Celeste
What a sweet message! It is a relief to watch these things in my rearview mirror; not really gone but getting smaller and smaller as i progress. i’m happy for both of us as well, moving into safe, secure and happy places.
Thanks for the beautiful comment and keep coming back!
Al K Hall
I’m glad you no longer wake up suicidal. L.
Me too!
Thanks for the visit, my friend. Keep coming back,
AL K Hall