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My (very) Bad
Al K Hall
YeamanFebruary 20, 2013
Al’s Insurance Company
United StatesHello,
My name is Al K Hall and twenty-three years ago, I was a policy holder of AlKHall Automotive Insurance. In February, 1990, I was involved in a one-car accident on a public interstate with no injuries. I reported the accident to you, saying that I hit a deer, and received a reimbursement check.
I am writing you today because, as a recovering alcoholic who has not had a drink in over two years, I would like to apologize for making a false statement concerning that accident. I did not hit a deer as I reported at that time, but instead fell asleep at the wheel of my car while driving under the influence of alcohol.
I offer my heartfelt apologies for the false statement I made and I understand there may be potential repercussions for it. I am trying to put my troubled past behind me and if, in order to do that, I must be held financially liable for this incident, I would ask you contact me at the above address.
Thank you for your understanding and God bless,
Al K Hall
i sent this letter a month ago to the insurance company that paid for the car i totaled while drunk driving. i haven’t yet received a response, but every day my heart beats just a little faster as i open the mailbox.
Until i remember this is Step 3 stuff. i and my fellows “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God,” so i have no control over the result of my letter. There is a distinct possibility that the company will insist i reimburse them for the the car and if that’s the case, i need to hope they’ll let me work out a payment plan because i don’t have the money to pay them back.
i sent the letter in the first place as a part of my Step 9 amends ["Made direct amends to such people {we had harmed} wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"]. i tried to find ways to avoid sending it, justifications that would let me off the hook, but i knew i had to tell my sponsor about the accident and he told me i had to write the letter. For what it’s worth, he did acknowledge what a bitch it was!
Step 9: Putting Recovery where your mouth is.
Cleaning up my mess
i’ll keep you posted when/if i hear back from them.
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Clean Sl8
A Slate to be Clean
i’ve mentioned i’m now in Step 8 ["Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all"] of the 12 Steps, getting ready for Step 9. Reliving my past errors is harrowing at times—i’ve noticed that when i recall the disasters i’ve created in my life i feel the shame flare up and burn through me like a flash fire—but knowing i’m making amends for them soothes me like a balm and i feel purified when all is said and well-done.
Another beneficial aspect of Steps 8 & 9 is that these are the first steps of the 12 that involve other people. Steps 1-7 are all about working on myself from the inside, while now i need to take this work and focus it outward, on my relation with others.
Let me tell you, this step could not come soon enough.
Like many alcoholics, i imagine, i’m pathologically shy. Alcohol was a way for me to overcome this fear of talking to people and it even worked for a certain time (usually the first bottle of wine). Now, by razing my past, by Cleaning my Slate, i’m removing any need i have to feel inferior, to feel “less than”, in my social interactions. Hopefully, this will help me to me more secure and “right-sized” when i continue my interactions with others.
AAmazing
Don’t Misstep
i realize i’m one of the few Alcoholics Anonymous supporters in our community here. In my defense, i can state as fact that i would never have been able to reach two years of sobriety if it weren’t for the AA program.
i’m not saying AA is THE way to sobriety, i’m saying it’s my way. i’ve always said the best program is the one that works for you.
Anyway here’s something i noticed about how AAmazing the steps are.
i’ve just concluded steps 6 & 7.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
As i’ve mentioned before, some of what i learned taking these steps was to be “right-sized“.
Now, i embark on Steps 8 & 9.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
As i compile the lengthy list of people i have ‘harmed’ (and after 30 years of drinking, it’s a pretty extensive list), i’m tempted to get angry at myself, to berate myself for having been such an asshole to so many for so long. But as soon as those negative thoughts arise…i remember what i learned about being right-sized and i’m sorted once again.
The beauty with which each step flows into the next, the foundation that each lays for the next, the synergy that exists to create such overall harmony in the 12 Steps is truly divine. LiterAAlly.
AA Isn’t Religious
What Wouldn’t Jesus Do
Religion is for people who’re afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.
-Vine Deloria, Jr
This quote is by Native American Vine Deloria, Jr and parallels my thoughts exactly concerning the difference between God and a Higher Power. This is not to say that God cannot be a Higher Power, it’s more to the point that we in AA don’t have to choose a classic conception of God to get better. We are free to find our own Higher Power outside of organized religion if we like. I’ve defined my own God, and my God giggles.
Click here for my post on how you can create your own Higher Power
It Stopped Working
It’s Stopped Working
i’m adding this to the SlogAAns & sAAyings page but i wanted to cross post here because it relates to my previous post about timing.
It Works Until It Doesn’t
Addicts begin using their drug of choice as self medication for a variety of ailments, and the treatment is efficient until “using” became “abusing” and “treatment” became “mistreatment”. The old methods work until they don’t work anymore. When the cure becomes the disease, alcoholics in recovery seek out healthier methods of dealing.
(For those of us in Alcoholics Anonymous, this realization is Step 1 material. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.“)
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This adage applies to other areas in recovery as well. Check it out:
- i didn’t believe in or even need a Higher Power until i did
- i skipped meditation in my recovery until i didn’t
- i find it hard to be intimate until i won’t anymore…
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Let It Be
Childish Behavior
i wrote a manual to teach foreign Business Types how to make presentations in English. The compliment i hear most about it is that it’s very practical, that the student can easily apply it to their business life. My point is, i hate writing a post like i did a couple days ago where i just say something like “Give up your problems to God” without concrete, practical tips on how to do that.
To remedy that, here are a couple suggestions on how to “Let Go – Let God”.
1. Repeat “I gave that up to God” Until the Thoughts Stop
This is the mental equivalent of plugging your ears and going “nah nah nah nah nah nah” to drown out someone else’s talking. It’s childish, but it works.
This was the first tool i learned when i entered recovery. My sponsor told me that the basic tenet of sobriety is the simple sentence, “I don’t drink no matter what.” Whenever i caught thoughts about drinking creeping into my mind, i learned to squash them with the mantra, “I don’t drink no matter what.”
Now, the instant i find myself lost in my thoughts of fear, insecurity or worry, i tell myself “I gave that up to God.” As soon as a stress resurfaces, “I gave that up to God.” The moment I — “I give that up to God.”
Find a phrase of your own and use it whenever negative thoughts sneak in…it works!
2. Pack Up Your Worries
i started creating my own mental exercises. My latest one is to imagine myself packing all my concerns about the neighbor, plumbing, internet… into tiny (because they’re such little problems) boxes that i then label and load onto a hot air balloon with “For God” written in huge letters on the side. When the balloon’s basket is full of all my worries, i cut the tether and release the balloon which floats up higher and higher, out of my reach and then out of my sight, until it reaches its creditor (because i give my Higher Power a lot of credit).
Play a part in your sobriety! Be an active non-alcoholic.
I’m Giving Up
Learning To Let Go
Dear Universe,
i got the message. You can stop now.
Love you,
Al K Hall
PS Let’s do lunch some time.
Here’s my BIG problem. The third time the plumber came he found the leak. He fixed it, left, and… The fourth time the plumber came was the charm.
Two nights ago i found a different leak in a different place from a different source. My Higher Power has a sick sense of humor.
The same two nights ago, the Devil sent her daughter to come upstairs and complain about my son’s practicing guitar at 9:30pm. My plumbing problems are on their way out, so i’ve decided to obsess over the insane woman who lives below me. To make this my BIG problem.
i always have a BIG problem. i used to think it was the problems’ fault, but now i realize it’s my fault. Instinctively, i scan my problems and elect one lucky one to become my BIG problem.
Listening to shares at an AA Meeting last night, everything fell in to place (Thank you, Universe, for guiding me to that meeting). i remembered what i’m forgetting: to let go. To give these problems up to my Higher Power when i have no control over them.
So, i’m giving up. i’m giving up my problems to my Higher Power, giving up the stress, the worry, the obsession to the Universe and i’m going to let the Universe worry about it–or not–if it wants but it doesn’t matter to me because it is not my problem any more. i’ve given them up and given up on them.
Hear that, Universe?
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For those of us in AA: This is all 3rd Step stuff.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The good news for us lucky alcoholics in recovery is that “Our Lives” include “Our Problems”. We get to give away all our concerns until the only worry we have left is how to stop worrying over nothing.
Let’s Be Honest…
Honestly!
Some of you readers have been kind enough to remark on the honesty i display in some of my blog posts, and for that i thank you.
It’s a little self serving of me to take any credit, however, because all i’m doing in being honest is following one of the basic tenets of the program. i’m just “developing a manner of living which requires rigorous honesty” [from "Chapter 5: How It Works" of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, page 58].
Rigorous Honesty means being so honest i don’t even lie to myself. This is the most difficult kind of honesty to foster because often my brain doesn’t share the secret when it plays tricks on me.
There’s an expression my sponsor told me before doing Step 5 of the Twelve Steps (“Admitted to God, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”):
You’re only as sober as your secrets.
Now, i don’t have to tell you guys all my deep dark secrets, but what i do decide to post here has to pass the truth test. “Rigorous honesty” means knowing that whatever i let slide will slide back on top of me one day.
You Want To Know If You’re An Alcoholic
So you wanna know if you’re an alcoholic…
Short Answer -
You’re not.
(Because…)
Medium Answer -
Being an alcoholic is like being in love: if you have to ask, you aren’t.
Long Answer -
It all goes back to Step 1 of Alcoholic’s Anonymous‘s 12 Steps.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
The second half of that step is the most overlooked and yet most important part of Step 1. Admitting you’re powerless over alcohol is key, but recognizing that you have lost control of your life because you’re powerless over alcohol is what makes a person an alcoholic.
If you cannot control your drinking and your life has been ruined as a result, congratulations: the good news is waiting in the column to the right of this post, under the heading Some R&R (Recovery & Resources).
Don’t Hold On
The argument could be made that the basic foundation of recovery is learning to let go.
We addicts began using a defect of character / crutch (alcohol, anger, cigarettes, pornography, control) to help us traverse a crippling problem but we became so dependant on the crutch that it became our crippling problem.
We need to learn to let go of the crutch, but we’re afraid. We’re a afraid we cannot go on without the crutch, that we are defined by it and that it our crutch is now a part of us.
We are afraid that if we let go, we will fall.
But what if the branch we are desperatey clinging to isn’t a branch at all?
What if the branch we are holding on to is an anchor holding us down? And what if by letting go of the defect, we let ourselves fly to the heights we can’t reach while clinging to the weight of our crutch?
Throw down your crutch and soar!
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For those of us in AA:
This post relates directly to Steps 6 & 7. In Step 6, we became willing to have our Higher Power remove our defects of character and in Step 7, humbly asked him/her to do so.
Our defects of character are our crutches and our anchors. Step 6 is recognizing these defects and simply saying “My anger / fear / lust / control issues / jealousy / laziness / resentments… are not a part of me. They don’t define me. I really want to be rid of them.”
Step 7 is catching yourself using these crutches and mentally saying out loud (praying), “I am not able to control this part of my life, so I’ll stop trying to manage it and let my Higher Power remove it from me.”
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Just a reminder that i ‘m on vacation in a place that has very limited internet access and so i won’t be able to respond to comments with my usual ruthless efficiency. Please don’t think i ‘m not reading them (i most definitely am), and please continue to leave them (they make my day).
