i used up all my old friends. i got invited to their parties and made an ass out of myself so badly that i embarrassed them more than me.
It didn’t take long before they stopped inviting me and i only knew about their parties when they reveled in them on Monday mornings.
Even though they’re less afraid of me in my sobriety, the invites are only for those partiers who party and it’s certainly better that way.
i was invited to a party today though. One of the guys in AA had a get together at his place for Christmas. It wasn’t the kind of party that ravaged me in the past.
It was one where i belonged.
One of the guys in the rooms is a pretty choleric guy. He’s got more time in than i do, but also more anger. One time, he shared that he comes to AA meetings to hear how much people are hurting and their difficulties in sobriety. It’s not so much that he doesn’t care about other people’s happiness, he actually finds it offensive.
Last week, he was with a group of guys after a meeting and i started hanging out with them. i mentioned that this is the first Christmas in 28 years that i don’t feel the need to run and hide in the bottom of an eggnog, or where i’m not curled in a ball under the Christmas tree cursing myself for being a failure and praying the holiday will, like Santa’s weighty sled, pass over me as quickly as possible while causing as little permanent damage as it can.
This year, i’m happy. This year, the Holiday Spirit is overflowing and not the holiday spirits. i have more energy and not just the stones to confront the season, but a desire to go out, shake its hand and invite it into my home. It’s a feeling i did not bargain on at all when i went sober. There are a lot of fringe benefits to sobriety that fall in your lap like Christmas presents you get after you thought you’d opened everything.
i was explaining this to a group of friends after the meeting and, before i’d even finished my first sentence, the Angry Bird flew away and found another flock of fellows to crash.
And that’s OK because his anger is not my business. i get that a lot of people are going to be hurt or jealous or angry that i’m in a good mood. Like Life magazines they use for toilet paper, those are their issues.
As for me? i’m obnoxiously happy and refuse to feel guilty about it.